Please comment on this short story which entitles " The Beggar Man"

Submitted by guest (not verified) on 6 May 2008 - 8:17pm

Little Johnny, age seven was vigorously carousing in the living room with his little, neatly carved paper airplane made by his mom. He was wild, o yes, wild like a loose monkey from the zoo. From sofas to sofas he went tramping vicious as a dinosaur on the floor producing the muffled roar of an airplane with his tiny cute mouth. Suddenly strange noises was coming from the wooden front gate downstairs; immediately he halted from his course of action, steady but slowly on the well carpeted floor with his bloated abdomen, swarming as a cockroach. After all of the hard work struggling on the floor, finally he had reached the verandah which was made of brick and mortar. Into the verandah, his little feet at the back came wobbling by. Yes! He was a courageous one, bold enough to meet his match. Lazily, he pulled himself to his feet but what he saw stunned him. Crazy he went, with his two miniature fine feet as a worm hastily swarming to conceal its life from a lethal eagle. The loud outburst from Little Johnny caught his dad attention. Worriedly he ran out of the kitchen. “Son! Son!” he shouted on top of this voice. Desperately, he began a search for his terrified son. As his dad came into the front room with his hearth pounding against his chest, his son’s adorable little feet was displayed right out from under the bed. Gently grasp his feet, Ted dragged Johnny out from under the bed. What’s the problem son, said Ted with a loud tone of voice. There’s a monster out there in front of our gate. He has two long teeth dad. It’s true. There is no such things as monster, chuckled his father. Yea dad, it’s true. And, and, and has bulging eyes, and and and his eyes are red. He starred me down, dad. Yeah dad. When he smiled at me dad and stretch out his nasty hands to take me away. Don’t let him do that to me dad! I love you dad! Don’t let him take me away! Little Johnny grasped his father hands as both of them came out on the verandah. To his surprised there was mom giving what has appeared to be the monster a twenty dollars note. It was Guru, the beggar man.


Kathy-ann Daniel 7 May 2008 - 7:58am

Hi Toney!
Good effort on the short story! One thing though, where are your paragraphs? Making paragraphs in very imporant in any kind of essay writing. Short stories and persuasive essays must both have paragraphs in them. Paragraphs help to organize your writing into clear sections so that the reader can see each separate idea or point that you are making.

CXC will take off marks if you do not organize your essays into paragraphs-lots of marks. So please write using paragraphs.

Smile... and you might want to go easy on the adjectives and adverbs.

Keshawna (not verified) 15 May 2008 - 7:45pm

I like the story. It had great descriptions and even better figures of speech. But you forgot one thing that is very important. What about your paragraphs? Apart from that it was very lovely. Keep on writing!

lilmegzo (not verified) 29 May 2008 - 6:00pm

this is an amazing story. i loved it. great writing skills

Sheldon (not verified) 26 March 2009 - 2:44pm

I like your story well done but you need to use paragraphs in story writing.

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