persuasive essay

Hi tgittz, I am going to break up your essay into paragraphs so that you can see what a big difference it makes to the readability of your essay. Here goes:
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Waking up to the sound of running water, June knew it was going to be a difficult day. She got out of bed, put on her slippers and headed toward the bathroom. She knew that her brother would need some incentive speeding up his morning bathroom routine. “How can he spend so much time on his hair,” she thought. He barely has any. With a sigh, she stops into the kitchen,” good morning mummy” she said, leaning forward to give her mother a kiss. “How long has Michael been in there?” she asked. “Ohh, about 20 minutes” says her mother. Okay he should be finished soon she thought.


Making her way back to her room she considered all of the points she wanted to make to Jamila, her friend was on the verge of making life changing decisions and June hoped she would help her make the right one. Starting her own business would make Jamila see that her talent for designing carnival costumes could be a lucrative endeavor.


June banged on the bathroom door hoping that her brother would stop his primping and give her a chance to start her own morning preparations. Finally ready for school, she left with the hope that she could convince her friend to follow her dreams.


They met at their usual spot, continuing along the route they had taken together many times as classmates. Nervous and unsure how to start she cleared her throat and said,” I don’t think nursing school is for you Jamila. I know you love you mother and looking after her is your priority but your real passion is in costume design and you should do that.” Jamila turn warily toward me and responded, “you know I have to take care of her, no one else will. She has provided for me my whole life, how can I do less for her now?”


I looked into her tear filled eyes and girded my loins; I had already started my campaign and couldn’t let her sacrifice her future. “You are so talented” I said,” If you start your own business you could pay someone to stay home with her, they would give her all the care she needed.” She shook her head vehemently and continued walking in silence. I continued,” you already worked for your aunt making the costumes last year, she even said your sketches where amazing.” Looking at her face, I saw that my words were only making her more upset. Pressing forward with my belief I told her, “you will only resent her in the end and your potential will be wasted.” Jamila turned and walked away. I knew then, that I had lost a friend.


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What do you think? Also, if you set your essay up like this, I would give you a grade 2 for it.