The door to my room creaked open and Jamila poked her head in. I was lounged across my bed, in a state of semi-undress, and I almost jumped out of my skin when she yelled.
"Patra! Are you asleep?"
"No, but I sure wish I was, now, " I muttered crossly.
"What do you mean, girl?" she demanded.
At this, I reluctantly sat up in bed and mused silently, whether I should grace this imprudent question with an equally ludicrous reply or simply ignore it. After wrestling with my thoughts a bit, I settled for the latter and proceeded to recline on my pillows. This display of aloofness seemed to have ignited a spark of anger in Jamila's already sketchy demeanor. I could easily pick up on her moods due to the fact that we have been friends for eons. This present scenario was a result of me allowing Jamila to persuade me to accompany her to a silly chick flick that was showing tonight at the theaters. Unfortunately, I was in no mood to fulfill my earlier commitment due to the unexpected spat I had with my significant other. Jamila tried to cajole me out of my present disposition, but I rejected her efforts. In no uncertain terms, I said to her.
"Girl, I'm not going again!"
Jamila whirled towards me as if I had delivered her a physical blow.
"What?!, Have you suddenly gone psycho?" she almost blew her head off. "We've planned this outing since last weekend and you have the audacity to bail on me at the last minute? Some "FRIEND" you are!"
Jamila was livid with rage and I could almost sympathize with her. However, I was determined to stay home and wallow in self pity.
"I'm not going and my decision is final," I announced more bravely than I felt.
With a smouldering look, Jamila turned and walked away. I knew then that I had lost a friend. Tears of frustration instantly welled up in my eyes and burying my head into the pillows, I sobbed intensely.
Suddenly there was a loud knocking on my door. "Patra! Come on girl or we will definitely be late for the movie!"
I leapt from the bed totally befuddled. Seizing my jeans from the bed's edge, I attempted to jump into them in one swift motion.
"I'm coming! Hold your horses!" I hollered, with the simultaneous realization that I had somehow dozed off before getting dressed.
June's short story on Jamila
Hi June,
I apologize for forgetting to write my comments. I did read your short story and commented... in my mind! Smile.. I just forgot to write it down for you to read.
This is what I thought: I think this was an excellent story and well delivered. You dialogue was well done! I can see that you have no problem at all with quotation marks and writing dialogue. The story line was short and sweet, well condensed so that you managed to convey the emotion of the moment very well.
You did not stretch the story out too far so that it became unmanageable. All very very good.
If I had to make a recommendation, it would be this: in writing a story, we are trying to connect to people's imagination. Based on who the characters are in the story, the language of the story should be the way the characters talk. So, in this instance, with teenage girls, I would recommend using simpler words. They would carry the story much better that more complex words.
For example:
At this, I reluctantly sat up in bed and mused silently, whether I should grace this imprudent question with an equally ludicrous reply or simply ignore it. After wrestling with my thoughts a bit, I settled for the latter and proceeded to recline on my pillows. This display of aloofness seemed to have ignited a spark of anger in Jamila's already sketchy demeanor.
Could be,
At this, I reluctantly sat up in bed and wondered silently whether I should answer this bold faced question or just ignore it. After wrestling with my thoughts a bit, I decided to ignore it and leaned back on my pillows. This unconcern was enough to to get Jamila very angry since she was already annoyed with me.
I tried to keep the same structure in the language you used, all I did was use easier words. How does it sound to you now? Let me know what you think.
Also, if you want to revise this and post again, I will review it for you again.
Really good work June. Your dedication is inspiring.
Kathy's review on my short story
Hi Kathy,
Once again thank you for taking time out to review my short story.
Although you are the facilitator, please allow me to point out a few things - You assumed that Jamila was a teenager, but there is nowhere in my story that I stated that she was a teenager. The instructions did not specify any age, so since I am not a teenager I thought my line of diction was all right. After all adults are allowed to use words and phrases that I used in my story?! No? (Smile)
Please don't think I am being rude and don't take well to corrections, but I love to argue and once I have points to support my argument, well, I simply go for it!
I love this blogging thing, so can you please reply to my comment when you have time. Tell me if I am wrong with the fact that I pointed out and let's just say it is not only teenagers who are going to read these stuff that we post. Right?
So long now, Stay cool (smile)
You are right!
Smile... hey June,no I do not think that you are being rude. You make a very valid and important point.
It addresses the questions of what impression people get when they read your story.
You are quite correct. There is nothing in your short story that says the words teenager. However, I inferred that the females in the short story were teenagers based on the conversation and the scene - Jamila coming into Patra's bedroom, not her apartment or house. The fact that they had been planning to go the movies together, fights with significant others, the high emotions and shouting at each other all said teenagers to me.
Interestingly, even though that was not the impression you wanted to give, I did end up thinking that the story was about teenagers.
Best,
Kathy
You got a point too but ...
Katy,
In this day and age, that's how bff's move. My best friend can just barge into my room anytime she wants and of course we older people still plan nights out to the movies etc. If we are not married, then I am too old to consider him my "boyfriend" - thus he becomes "significant other!" Age is just a number you know! Hahaha!
Anyway thanks for humoring me. I can see that you are really a good sport! I love that about you.
Till next time.
He y June!
I can see where you are coming from and you are quite right. My misunderstanding comes from the fact that I am a generation away from what you are talking about, so I guess I don't quite "get" it.
But, that also brings up another point. Suppose I was an examiner marking your essay and I was clueless about youth culture, can you see how I would mark this essay and make assumptions that are not correct?
Please keep that in mind when writing for exams.
Best,
Kathy
English A
June I love this story.while reading, it felt so real as if I was jamila's friend. I think it is very good.I hope I can capture these skills that you have