Chad visit his wife Deedra at the Dixon Memorial Hospital. She had been there for some days now. Both her parents and elder brother die from the deadly disease cancer. She thinks it might be a family trait and she too might have the disease.
A few years back she found out that she couldn’t have children, she curse the disease; she convinces that the disease had deprived her of God’s gift to man to reproduce and bless this wonderful place call earth.
“How are you holding up?” he asked, sitting at her bedside, with her black Asian hair against the white pillow.
“I’m doing fine” Deedra doesn’t mention the pain. She doesn’t want to upset her husband.
“Did you tell the doctor about the belly cramps you had been feeling when you were at home?”
She nodded. “He said, it might have been side effects from the pills I had been taking”
Chad tries to comfort her.
He slips his hand into hers. He looks down at her; her face looked a bit puffy and pale with black pouches under her eyes. He lifted his hand and wipes her cheek with his finger and said, “You’re going to be absolutely fine”
Chad fears that he might be wrong, but he doesn’t want his wife to worry.
He thinks back-he doesn’t want to-he can’t help it, at times, good times, when he would chase her around, in the house, and she would sprint off like an Olympian, squealing in excitement.;He sat musing on past memories not knowing that his world was seconds away from crumbling
An alarming beep echoed in the room, breaking his meditation, it was the heart monitor, which was close her head, at her bedside. Each second, the sound became louder, stronger and faster beep, beep, beep….What happen next took him by surprise.
Her hands began to tremble violently and her body twisted and turned uncontrollably. Her palm suddenly felt cold, and that sent him in panic. He gave her hand a tight squeeze and began shouting her name. Deedra! Deedra!
A cold hand grasped his wrist as he slumped to his knees; it was Doctor Fredrick. “Sir please get outside,” the doctor said.
GET OUT SIDE, two simply words, but by God, it told him everything.
He felt a sudden emptiness deep within his heart. He felt as if someone penetrated a knife inside him and kept twisting his trips. He felt as if his whole world was crumbling and he was left to pick up the pieces. His red eyes burnt. He felt tears of sorrow, rushing, ready to burst and fill his tear ducks.
He took long hasty steps, looking for a safe place to release the pain. He turns to the first door he embarks upon, pushed it open; inside, and on the shelves, was fill with white bottles, of medical items.
“I bet any of these items can get the job done. I bet one of these items can give me a quick and easy death.
He reaches for one of the small bottle item, opens the lid, turns the bottle to his head and gulped in a few pills-not sure how much he took, but he was sure it could get the job done.
No sooner, in a few seconds, he felt dizzy and in a few minutes his blur was now in complete darkness.
*
*
A voice, he heard a voice, a voice he recognizes; it was Doc Fredrick.
“Am I finally DEAD?” “I’m in heaven rite? But, what are you doing here?” He asked.
The Doctor gave a booming laugh. “You crazy man, no you’re not dead. The pills you took were just some sleeping pills and you’re going to be absolutely fine. And your wife, Deedra, she doesn’t have cancer. Turns out that the cramp she was feeling is the confirmation of her pregnancy; and you two should be expecting twins.”
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I know that this story is more than 450 words,but i've seen the award winning stories and they too exceed the limit. This story is just 655. And what i had notice in their instrution was that,they didnot say that they wouldn't access the rest of words which exceed the limit. So i think i'm okay, i just might get good marks for it.............
Hey Cranberry lol
Whats up with your contentious behavour,the person ask to comment, on his or her story.Which would likely to include criticism.
Cranberry
Hey Cranberry,
You stated that my story needs some attention or rather fixing as you would put it. If, however, you could indicate where, I would appreciate it. Secondly, you pointed out that rose_lakraj’s story is way better than mine and truthfully, I cannot object because that’s just your opinion and everyone has that right. Furthermore, I’m not here for drama neither am I here to encourage controversy within this community.
I have no problem whatsoever correcting my mistakes or improving my skills because there is definitely no limit when it comes to education. I’m willing at all times to take a few pointers, directions or assistance from anyone within this community or in general, as long as it is useful.
I’m a bit curious after seeing your statement though because I can’t seem to understand your behavior or frustration towards my criticism after all these other comments were made towards rose_lakraj’s story. So why? Why am I the subject of the matter here?
No doubt, rose_lakraj’s story is definitely a good piece of writing but you cannot isolate yourself from the fact that it needs fixing and there are in fact errors and confusions. Just a quick example, she said that the boy: “was flung into the river as a dilapidated bridge crumbled with him.” The imagery she’s creating there is very misleading and very confusing. She cannot state that the boy was flung, because she also stated that the bridge is old and it had crumbled, so, in this case it is more likely to say that the boy had fell. And as for errors, her punctuation needs fixing and so do some of her sentences, because in her story I can see, what is called, sentence fragments, so she needs to construct them correctly. For example, she said: “his heel created rapid sound and his hair dancing in the wind. Instead of saying dancing in the wind try considering his hair was dancing in the wind or his hair dance in the wind.
Even though I might sound a bit crude, but honestly, I didn’t took your criticism strongly as I would take useful ones, because if you’re truly having trouble seeing the errors in rose_ larkaj’s story then I’m positively sure that your “I Q” level is way below standard and you’re in fact insulting your intelligence or it could be jealousy as my fellow guest members stated in their comments.
Try re-reading ROSE_LARKA’S story which i had posted in my blog, where I had made the necessary corrections then compare them and see if you might understand what I’m trying to get across to you.
rose_lakraj
Good story.However, i am guessing that you were trying to impress the reader with big WORDS,than telling the story.
RE Please comment story
Hey Rose_lakraj,
As for your story, good effort and fairly done. Judging from this story, it’s obvious that you got potential in story writing, however, I think you should try and improve in some areas when it comes to your writing skills. You definitely need to improve on your grammar; you should try making your story much more lucid for your readers to enjoy and try to avoid confusion, which, in this story, that’s exactly what I’m seeing. Your paragraphing needs fixing, I see so many sentence fragments and some word choices are incorrect.
If my perceptions serve me correctly, what i think your trying to do is impose on your readers by using “big words” words which you think might interest your readers and for you to feel much more comfortable within yourself. If however, this is the case, I personally advise you to stop or use them correctly if you wish to create a good story. You should try and make your story appeal to everyone at any level; persons with good vocabulary and for person with a lower standard.
As I said earlier, good effort, but there is definitely room for improvement. I honestly think that if you do some research and practice harder you’ll definitely make an excellent writer some-day because you sure do have potential.