Short story - Jamila turned and walked away. I knew I had lost a friend

 

I am not good with quotation marks and dialogue. I really don't know how to do that stuff. So I wrote the Jamila story but I didn't put in any talking, its just a straight story. Plzzzz someone tell me if this is any good and if you like it!

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I was not one of those people who made friends easily. In fact, it was very hard for me to make friends. Somehow I never really fit in. To make matters worse, my family was always moving. We never stayed anywhere for too long, so I was always the new child in school and in class.

 

In the last move to this new school, I was having my lunch alone as usual, when she came up to me and started talking. She said her name was Jamila and she noticed that I was always alone, she wanted to know why.

 

I didn’t have any answers for her, but I don’t think she really wanted one either. I think she just wanted to talk to me. Oh boy Jamila could talk! We were like night and day. If I didn’t talk, that was okay because she would talk for the two of us. And I liked her a lot, she was my best friend. She would keep me company for lunch, walk home with me after school, and call me on the phone to chat.

 

We talked about the books I liked to read, and the celebrity magazines she loved. She dared me to be brave and go running in the rain with her, I never had so much fun.  Sometimes on our outings, she would drag along another friend of hers, Brian.  He was a good-looking boy who was quiet like me. Somehow, Brian and I clicked. Silently we would both listen to Jamila chatter on while exchanging glances with each other.

 

One day, Jamila noticed us gazing at each other and suddenly she stopped talking.  The next day when I saw her, Jamila told me that she was in love with Brian. That he was special to her and she hoped I would respect her relationship with him. She wanted me to stop talking to him, stop being friends with him and to completely ignore him in the future.

 

My heart stopped, I knew I could not do that. As much as Jamila was my dear friend, Brian stirred feelings in me that I wanted to explore, with him. Looking into my eyes, Jamila knew my answer. She knew the choice that I had made. Jamila slowly stood up, and began to gather her books from the table where we were sitting. For once, there were no words or smiles. There was no talking. And just like that, it was over. Jamila turned and walked away. I knew then, that I had lost a friend.

 

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tgittz's picture
tgittz (not verified)
good read, gotta let us know

good read, gotta let us know when there is talk however "still a better love story than twilight" lol

tgittz's picture
elladi (not verified)
English A

hello susiq your are doing great i dont know any thing about writing a story. but from what Kathy and June have to say i can then look at your work and totally understand what a good story is.I also find it very interesting and it kept me reading on keep up the good work.

june joseph's picture
june joseph
Offline
Joined: 2 Nov 2012
Susieq's short story

Girl, I totally enjoyed your short story! Although, you could at least attempt to put in dialogue, I admire your decision, since you said you were not sure how to go about it. You must read more to get a feel of how to go about putting dialogue into your stories. Other from that your story was great. Anyway I leave it to Kathy to do the reviews, I am just stating that yours was absolutely interesting.

Well done!

CJJ

Kathy-ann Daniel's picture
Kathy-ann Daniel
Offline
Joined: 24 Aug 2007
Hi June and Susiq

Hello June,

Your assessment of Susiq's essay is very good, please don't stop. I enjoy reading your comments and hearing your views on the essays. I wish more of the group would also participate in posting comments.

I have to agree with you, this is a very good short story and it is very well written. I have a feeling that if it did have some dialogue, it would spice it up much more and make it so much better. I think it would get better marks too.

However, with that being said susiq, if you feel that you are really, really bad at quotation marks, I prefer if you don't try it. You might end up taking a good story and making it much worse by trying to put in quotation marks and doing it badly.

It is better to be safe than sorry. As your essay stands now, it is a passing essay. I would say a grade 2. If you are fine with that, then do not try to do dialogue if you are not sure of what you are doing.

Kathy-ann Daniel-Gittens

june joseph's picture
june joseph
Offline
Joined: 2 Nov 2012
My short story

Hi Kathy,

I will try to encourage my fellow participants to continue the good work they are doing. I think we all take corrections and criticism in good stride!

On another note I am wondering why you have not reviewed my short story yet. You see, I posted it on Thursday and I've yet to receive a comment. Oh well I see that elladi has commented but I am looking forward to your review. I know that you're busy, but I just want to know how I did, since it's my first short story I have posted here.

Expectant

CJJ

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