my short story- Jamila turned and walked away.I knew then that I had lost a friend.

 

Growing up in a very small village where children play on the streets everyday is the most memorable time of ones childhood. I was left alone on the weekends starting from Friday evenings through to Sunday mornings. At approximately 3pm on a Friday, was the only day I would get home from school very early. I was hoping to see my grandmother all packed and ready to go to the market. My grandmother was an old lady who had spent all her years being a market vendor. Very often, I would have to accompany her to the bus stop, where we would wait for Jamila's father to pick her up on his way to work. "What a life for an old woman to be living", I said to myself. while I stared down the lonely and rocky road, which is a reflection of the lives of both children and adults in the village. Suddenly Mr.Smith arrived. Grandmother boarded the bus, and waved goodbye.  

         "Hurray hurray" I shouted. while skipping down the street. I was on my way to Jamila's house. I knew that Jamila was another child left alone, unprotected in the small village called Chop Chop. "Hurray hurray" we shouted, as we approached each other. Our little hearts pounded, as our adventure begins. Taking to the streets of the village Jamila and I. We joined other unprotected kids in the village. We would play games for long hours. while we wait to see the night. We look forward to go fishing and swimming. Our bags were already packed with food, extra clothing, lanterns, and even pots, should we feel the need for some cooked food. Fish line and hooks were bought with the little money Jamila's father had left, for persons who did a little work around the yard. OH! how we wish the weekends would be munch longer.                                                                                                                                  

           Jamila was my only friend. We had promised each other that we would be best friends forever. Holding the title of being the two most adventurous kids in the village. Jamila  was always there when i needed a friend, when ever I was sad, when I got home work. Even when my mother died, my friend was by my side. I was expected to be a friend to Jamila when the kids in our village started to tease her of the ragged cloths she would always wear. Instead, I joined in with the other kids and I mocked her and laughed while she cried. Jamila turned and walked away. I knew then that I had lost a friend.

 

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elladi's picture
elladi (not verified)
English A

I tried to correct my story but had some difficulties

Kathy-ann Daniel's picture
Kathy-ann Daniel
Offline
Joined: 24 Aug 2007
Much better!

HI Elladi,

This is much better. There are still a few small issues, but overall, much better. There one other thing I want you to watch out for.

Please make sure that your story stays in one tense. What do I mean by that? Well, it means that if you start your story in the past tense, meaning that it took place in the past, you really shouldn't switch to the present tense in the middle of the story and then back to the past tense again.

Let me show you what I mean:

You wrote, "Our little hearts pounded (past tense), as our adventure begins (present tense)."

This is can be confusing to the reader. See how this sounds better,

"Our little hearts pounded (past tense), as our adventure began (past tense)."


And again, you wrote,

"We joined (past tense) other unprotected kids in the village. We would play games for long hours. while we wait (present tense) to see the night. We look (present tense)forward to go fishing and swimming. Our bags were already packed(past tense)..."

See how this sounds better,

"We joined (past tense) other unprotected kids in the village. We would play games for long hours. while we waited (past tense) to see the night. We looked (past tense) forward to go fishing and swimming. Our bags were already packed (past tense)..."

I hope you find this helpful.

Best, Kathy

Kathy-ann Daniel-Gittens

elladi's picture
elladi (not verified)
English A

June your advice was so very helpful kathy said the same thing thanks so much for ur help

june joseph's picture
june joseph
Offline
Joined: 2 Nov 2012
Elladi you are most welcome.

Elladi you are most welcome. You know we all learn from our mistakes and I think you are a very good sport. You will achieve alot in the future. I can tell! Reach for the sun if you fall you will be among stars!! lol

your friend

CJJ

elladi's picture
elladi (not verified)
English A

thank you kathy for taking the time to guide me on my work I really appreciate it I will submit my story again.

Kathy-ann Daniel's picture
Kathy-ann Daniel
Offline
Joined: 24 Aug 2007
Elladi' short story

Hi Elladi,

This has the makings of a very interesting story. However, I can see where you can do some work with it. Some of your sentences are very long and they seem to wander from one topic to another.

For example: At approximately 3pm on a Friday this was the only day I would get home from school very early, hoping to see my grandmother all packed and ready to go to the market, very often I would have to accompany this old lady who spent all her years being a market vendor to the bus stop, waiting for Jamila's father to pick her up on his way to work.

This is a very long sentence and it has quite a lot going on in it. I would have broken it up like this:

At approximately 3pm on a Friday, the only day, I would get home from school very early. I was hoping to see my grandmother all packed and ready to go to the market. My grandmother was an old lady who had spent all her years being a market vendor. Very often, I would have to accompany her to the bus stop where we would wait for Jamila's father to pick her up on his way to work.

So from your one sentence, I got 4 sentences. May I suggest that you read over your essay and see how many sentences you can break up into smaller sentences without losing the meaning of the essay? I think this will make it much easier to read. And that will mean more marks for your essay.

If you repost this essay with fixes, I will review it again for you.

Kathy

Kathy-ann Daniel-Gittens

june joseph's picture
june joseph
Offline
Joined: 2 Nov 2012
elladi's short story,

Good job elladi. This story began real interesting-like. However, you kind of got us, the readers, muddled up with your run-on sentences. You must also check your spelling. I saw somewhere you wanted to put "bought", instead you put "both" and I really had to read the line 3 times to understand what you were trying to say.

I think you should have summarized the second paragraph. I don't think all that was necessary. Again it's my opinion, so I think Kathy will put you on the right track.

The most important thing is that you tried! Nothing beats a trial but success!

Keep on keeping on!

CJJ

elladi's picture
elladi (not verified)
English A

this is my first ever short story I hope I am on the right track

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